Embarking on the journey of improving your sex life can be a daunting task. Based on conversations with other women throughout the years, it’s obvious that it’s a huge hurdle for many.
For one thing, many (probably most) women devote so much time and energy to everything and everyone but themselves, that when it becomes obvious that their sex life needs some work, they realize they don’t even have a clue where they are or how they got there.
They know they used to feel sexy and gorgeous and couldn’t wait to “get it on” with that dreamy hunk of a man they chose oh, so many years ago. So what happened?
Without some idea of where “here” is, it’s almost impossible to make a change.
In her book Hot Monogamy (I found an almost-new copy through Amazon for about seven bucks), Dr. Patricia Love helps couples identify particular communication problems that keep couples emotionally distant with her Sexual Style Survey. This self-assessment survey is completed by each partner separately, with 63 positive statements about intimacy and sexuality that are ranked on a scale from 0 (never) to 6 (always). Each statement measures your own contribution to the relationship, not your feelings about your partner’s contributions.
I’ve never been one to take a lot of time to do things like this (similarly, while I know writing things down goes far in helping accomplish goals, I always seem to rebel). But in this instance, wanting to make true progress toward better sexual communication, I actually completed the survey (as did my husband).
The results were eye-opening. Not only did I find out a few things about myself, it also provided the basis for the start of some great communication, as it lets you really see where the gaps are in the way you each look at your sex life and your individual contributions to it.
For example, we found that we’re pretty much on the same page when it comes to desire, technique, passion and romance. On the other hand, we have some lack of balance in the areas of variety and talking.
Our biggest gap showed up under body image — his was almost the highest score you could get in that category, while mine was … well, let’s just say that while I’ve made tremendous progress since my teenage years, I’ve still got some work to do in that area (as do many women).
If you’ve got a willing partner, completing a survey such as this is a great way to get some positive conversation going. And once you get over the initial awkwardness, it does get easier.
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