You love the word or you hate it.  I’m not sure there’s an in between.  I was thinking about it today, as a matter of fact, and figured I’d share.

My youngest daughter and I participated in this year’s V-Day celebration by taking part in our local production of The Vagina Monologues.  One of the monologues is called “Vagina Workshop” and portrays one woman’s story of taking a workshop that helped women discover “their own, unique, beautiful vagina.”

Yeah, I know that “beautiful” is not an adjective we tend to use in conversations about the vagina — not  that we HAVE many conversations about it to start with.  Let’s face it, it’s a totally unsexy word.  Which brings me to another of the Monologues — other words women use around the world when referring to the vagina — but that’s a post for another day.

My friend, Elke, is an artist, and we WERE having a conversation about vaginas the other evening.  Well, not specifically about vaginas, but more about body parts in general which eventually got around to vaginas.  There’s a lot of art centered on them, by far more artists than you’d ever imagine.  Most of us are familiar with Georgia O’Keefe, and perhaps she was one of the pioneers of vagina art, but just do a Google search on the term “vagina art” and you’ll discover a whole other world — from pillows to mosaics to amazing photographs and more.

Speaking of amazing photographs, you’d be equally amazed at the variety of vaginas.  Perhaps you’ve wondered (I can almost guarantee you a majority of other women have wondered) if your vagina is “normal.”  Given the results of my own Google search today, I truly believe that the word doesn’t even remotely relate to a vagina outside the fact of whether it has all the correct anatomical parts.  Beyond that, every vagina is so unique it’s a work of art unto itself.

The image above is based on a drawing by Elke.  I’ve been thinking of adding a section to the site for artwork centered on women’s views of their bodies.  What do you think?  Have some art you’d like to share?

I was searching the internet the other day (as I very frequently do), and I ran across a blog that has been around for quite some time … Victoria’s Sex Blog (note: I would not consider this link work friendly).  Unfortunately, the blog ended in January 2010, and its author has moved on to bigger and better things.  I say “unfortunately,” because I had just discovered it and would have liked to see it continue.  However, there are several years of archives that one could spend weeks investigating.

What I really liked about “Victoria’s” posts is that they are so natural, so down to earth in their presentation, yet they are invariably accompanied by drawings of nude men and/or women either alone or in various stages of sexual activity.  Seems she started her journey in these types of drawings by taking photos from porn sites and drawing them, which took what could be considered “obscene” and brought it to a level of sensuality.  Fascinating stuff.

Anyway, one of the posts really caught my attention, and that is the reason behind today’s post.  What she did was use her digital camera set on the timer mode to take various nude photos of herself.  She then printed the photo out on 8-1/2 x 11 paper, put a piece of tracing paper over the photo image, and traced the outlines of her body.

What it did for her was cause her to look at her body in a completely different way.  Rather than standing naked before a mirror with its accompanying criticism and negative self talk, she began to appreciate the many curves and lines of her body.  That appreciation led to other revelations both physical and emotional.

I don’t know about you, but I just thought this was awesome.  Every woman should undertake this exercise.  I know it’s something I’m going to do.  Maybe I’ll add an Artwork page to the site where we can all post our glorious selves.

One of the sometimes scary benefits of having a blog about sex is the conversations it opens with my husband.  We were talking about sex toys specifically and the fact that as part of being involved with product reviews, there would inevitably be some things we would try out together.

Within that conversation, I mentioned that I find it really easy to talk about sex with pretty much anyone … except him.  It’s not that we never talk about sex.  It’s more that it’s a little bit intimidating because of the familiarity.  Familiarity involves more risk.

For example, have you ever looked at your partner — say, when you’re out together somewhere and he or she is across the room talking to someone else — and noticed how attracted you are?  As if you’ve stepped outside of that relationship box and seen them again for the very first time?  Kind of like an out-of-body experience.

You forget that this is the person you see every day, frequently in the most unflattering situations.  You ignore the visions of dirty underwear and socks on the floor, the petty arguments, the sometimes obnoxious way they chew their food.

You see him as if for the very first time.  He’s hot, smart, sexy and has the most beautiful smile that makes his eyes sparkle.  You see him as others see him, and it magnifies your attraction.

You wonder if he ever feels the same way about you.

The question is, do you share that with him?  Most women will answer something like “Oh my god, no.  I’d be too embarrassed.  He’d totally make fun of me.”

It’s so much easier to stay with the familiar.  To share is to be vulnerable.  Yet within the vulnerability lies the potential.

The sweet feeling of that first meeting.  Fluttery feelings abound.  Everything clicks.  Chemistry was never your thing in high school, but you’re feeling an A+ coming on.

Remember when you first met your partner?  Exchanging glances.  That first touch, kiss and beyond?  The feeling of hope, leaving behind the everyday drudgery for all the possibilities that now lay before you.  You feel powerful.  What a rush.

As you become more attached to this other person, you start to get a little scared, too.  Now there’s so much more to lose, so you try to make things a little more secure, more dependable.  Commitments follow, offering more stability, but along with that comes the surrender of some of the little freedoms you’ve always taken for granted.

Yet in the face of relationship security comes the realization that spontaneity and passion have dissolved, taken a back seat to predictability.  Boredom ensues.

Where does that leave you?  How can you get that passion back into your relationship?  First of all, understanding the cycle can be a huge help.  I believe that most people feel that once the passion has gone, love is not far behind.  But that’s hardly the case in most relationships.

Tony Robbins says that passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can take.  Remember the start of your relationship … wondering if he’s going to call, does he really like you?  Uncertainty creates longing and anticipation.

There’s plenty of room for both in any healthy relationship.  The key is finding the balance.

Yesterday I found out something fairly interesting.  One of my favorite sources for sex toys, Good Vibrations, has offered me the opportunity to join their product review team.  Now I don’t know about you, but the chance to try out new products in exchange for doing a review is pretty darn cool.

Now I’ve had the idea for this blog for quite some time but have only just recently made progress on getting the site live and populated with information.  There are so many topics to cover, and of course, one of the topics that I want to discuss from time to time is the use of sex toys for solo and partner exploration.

I think that, in general, most people either like them or hate them, as I haven’t really run across many people who are indifferent.  Not that the subject comes up on any kind of a regular basis, but it has occasionally been talked about among some of my closer friends.

What I’ve found is that sex toys can enhance and bring some variety into an already loving and stable relationship.  In the case of a new sexual relationship or one that involves partners who are less than confident about where their relationship stands, the use of sex toys could understandably cause some feelings of inadequacy or even jealousy.

So whether it’s here in the daily blog or on a separate page on the site, from time to time I’ll be reviewing products from Good Vibrations with the hope that it will benefit my readers.  Well, at least in the sense that you’ll get really honest feedback.

Oh, and I’ve discussed the whole topic with my husband, who has agreed that he’ll make the sacrifice and help me with the “practical” part of trying these products out.  Nice to get a guy’s point of view, too, dont’cha think? 

Embarking on the journey of improving your sex life can be a daunting task.  Based on conversations with other women throughout the years, it’s obvious that it’s a huge hurdle for many.

For one thing, many (probably most) women devote so much time and energy to everything and everyone but themselves, that when it becomes obvious that their sex life needs some work, they realize they don’t even have a clue where they are or how they got there.

They know they used to feel sexy and gorgeous and couldn’t wait to “get it on” with that dreamy hunk of a man they chose oh, so many years ago.  So what happened?

Without some idea of where “here” is, it’s almost impossible to make a change.

In her book Hot Monogamy (I found an almost-new copy through Amazon for about seven bucks), Dr. Patricia Love helps couples identify particular communication problems that keep couples emotionally distant with her Sexual Style Survey.  This self-assessment survey is completed by each partner separately, with 63 positive statements about intimacy and sexuality that are ranked on a scale from 0 (never) to 6 (always).  Each statement measures your own contribution to the relationship, not your feelings about your partner’s contributions.

I’ve never been one to take a lot of time to do things like this (similarly, while I know writing things down goes far in helping accomplish goals, I always seem to rebel).  But in this instance, wanting to make true progress toward better sexual communication, I actually completed the survey (as did my husband).

The results were eye-opening.  Not only did I find out a few things about myself, it also provided the basis for the start of some great communication, as it lets you really see where the gaps are in the way you each look at your sex life and your individual contributions to it.

For example, we found that we’re pretty much on the same page when it comes to desire, technique, passion and romance.  On the other hand, we have some lack of balance in the areas of variety and talking.

Our biggest gap showed up under body image — his was almost the highest score you could get in that category, while mine was … well, let’s just say that while I’ve made tremendous progress since my teenage years, I’ve still got some work to do in that area (as do many women).

If you’ve got a willing partner, completing a survey such as this is a great way to get some positive conversation going.  And once you get over the initial awkwardness, it does get easier.

What’s your inner dialogue when it comes to sex?  Let’s say you’re feeling particularly frisky one evening, and you go into your room to get ready for bed.  Your partner has beat you to the punch and is already there, lying in the bed with the covers pulled up.  What are your thoughts?

“He sure doesn’t seem to be in the mood.  Look, he’s already half asleep.  I guess I just don’t turn him on anymore.”

“Oh my god, now I’ve got to get undressed.  I really wanted to get undressed and positioned just right before he came to bed.  I hope he IS half asleep so he doesn’t see my fat ass before I get under the covers.”

“Do I have to initiate sex AGAIN?  He never makes the first move.”

We’ve all had negative thoughts like this (and worse), and we know exactly where they lead.  It’s either no sex tonight, or boring, distracted, “let-get-it-over-with” sex that leaves both of you feeling short changed.

If you’ve delved at all into the self help arena, then you most likely already know about the power of words.  Have you ever really thought about the impact of the words you say to yourself?  Our subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between words said aloud and those spoken internally.  So imagine the effect that negative self talk has on your sex life.

While you’re lying there with an endless inner dialogue going on in your head, do you think there’s even a chance you’re going to enjoy a pleasurable sexual experience?

Two psychologists from the University of Washington conducted a survey that determined that when women took on a positive sexual identity (accomplished through the use of positive affirmation audios), they felt more sexually aroused while watching erotic films than when they identified with a negative identity.

Bottom line:  If you catch yourself in the negative self-talk cycle, stop.  Take that negative thought and turn it into something positive.

Focusing on the arousing and exciting elements of your sex life will ultimately lead to more sensual, pleasurable and satisfying sex with your partner.

Your definition of what makes for “great sex” is going to be different than mine.  Honestly, if a group of 1,000 women sat together in a room and were asked to write down the details of their perfect sex life, I’d pretty much guarantee that you’d get 1,000 vastly different pictures.

At the core, each would obviously include sex in a general sense, but the nuances surrounding the physical act would be as unique as the woman herself.

Here’s a simple, basic example.  I don’t like hairy chests.  Never have, and I can’t tell you why that is.  It’s not like I had a horrible experience with some Big-Foot-esque creature or anything.  It just is.  I’ve known other women, however, who were instantly smitten by the sight of it and would pledge their love forever to a man on whose fluffy chest they could nightly lay their heads.  To each her own, as they say.

So before we go any further in exploring how to make sex better for you, we first have to establish what a great sex life looks like … TO YOU.  In order to do that, I’m going to share some things you need to think about in developing that picture for yourself.

Compare it to taking a trip.  How can you decide on which road to take if you haven’t even decided where it is you want to go?

Note:  It’s best to be alone while you’re doing this, or you may find yourself getting distracted!  Not that that’s a bad thing, but for the purpose of this exercise, the focus will come in handy.

Okay, so close your eyes right now and visualize yourself in your most desired sexual situation.

Take your time and pay close attention to all of the details.  Where are you?  If you’re inside, what room are you in?  What’s the lighting like?  What are you wearing (or not wearing)?  Look at your partner.  What is he or she doing or saying?  You get the idea.

After you’ve spent some time visualizing, make a list — or better yet, describe it in infinite detail in a journal — of all the aspects of your perfect sex life.  Include colors, smells, ideas, words, behaviors … anything you saw and felt there.  They all have impact and meaning for you.

Once you have a clear picture of what a great sex life really means for you, that picture will serve as the foundation and a starting point for improving in the areas where it actually needs improving.  And keep in mind that your picture may change as certain areas of your sex life change, so be flexible.  This isn’t meant to be a rigid, stay-within-the-lines exercise.

Take the time to actually do this.  It’s a very powerful tool that will make things much clearer for your journey.

And once you have the “map” in hand, you’re one step closer to getting there!

I’m gearing up for a 30-day blog challenge where I have to post every day for 30 days!  It starts tomorrow, Saturday, 4/10.

I have some great ideas and thoughts to share with everyone and look forward to helping you on your journey to a blissful and fulfilling sex life.

You ever have an idea that you just fall in love with?  You don’t take immediate action, then some times goes by and it’s still just stewing around there in the melting pot of your brain?  You ask yourself “What the hell is it that I’m waiting for?”

That “it” can be different things for each of us … Ken Robert of Mildly Creative posted something today that just hit home for me.  Am I waiting for perfect knowledge? permission? someone/thing to rescue me? a guaranteed payoff? the mood to strike?

That blog post came on top of today’s interview with Nick Williams on the Get Inspired! Project, where he says “I think one of my greatest pieces of advice to anybody listening to this would be, be willing to show up in anticipation sometimes of being inspired.  Don’t wait until you feel inspired before you show up to do something. … I think the act of showing up initiates the flow of inspiration.”

So here I am.  I’m not going to wait any longer.